As a rule, a person whose mother was Jewish, is considered Jewish. My mother was not Jewish, however, I feel Jewish. Rabbi Sudakevich once told me that if one's soul was at Sinai, one is Jewish, meaning, if your soul was there when Moses descended Jabal Mousa, you are Jewish. Immediately upon hearing that I understood.
I investigated making aliyah. I didn't qualify. Moreover, my spouse at the time was not interested in converting to Judaism, so I would never really be Jewish, unless my wife was Jewish.
At synagogue, I was talking with some folks and they asked me why I wanted to convert. I don't think one really converts to Judaism. One is either born with a soul that was at Sinai, or not. I have never met a Jew who disagreed that one is either Jewish or one is not. If one is not Jewish, one can't become Jewish by converting.
I was baptised Baptist as an infant, raised athiest, and became agnostic in high school. If someone spoke of God, I would simply substitute the words 'nature', or 'mother nature', and I was able to understand the speaker. Eventually, I realised that civilisation has simply parsed out the meaning of the word god, so that many people misunderstand the concept. For instance, calling God a 'life force' was not common parlance a century ago. Perhaps this is an example where humanity has overdeveloped because we have lost the intent of the words in a linguistic mess.
In my mid-forties, I realised there must be gods. This understanding coincided with the birth of my daughter. I just felt there must be a higher power. Life is too beautiful. God is life. For me, if one believes one is alive, one believes in god(s), no matter what definition one might apply to the words.
Back to the Judaism. I was raised in a predominantly Jewish community. Most of my friends were Jewish. The Jews I knew were more cultured, better educated and intelligent than I. I admired them and was a bit jealous of the solid upbringings and sophistication of most of my classmates. Occasionally, that jealousy has caused me to be unkind.
My definition of a Jewish person is someone who keeps kosher and shabbat. By my own definition, I am not Jewish because I don't keep kosher or shabbat. Nonetheless, I feel Jewish.
Many American Jews don't keep kosher or shabbat. I have noticed a sensitivity among these Jews that I don't feel among Hasidim, Conservative and other devout Jews. All of us draw lines to enable our identity. I am x, and you are not x because you have less x qualities than me. We define ourselves by defining others.
Please help me find my own identity without defining others.
In the next post, one might argue I am trying to define others. I am not certain I would disagree. My intent in drafting the next post was to understand what drives group membership and identities. If I have offended, please leave a comment.
